Processing Trauma to Live Well

Traumatic memories impact many areas of our lives.  

Would you like to:

• sleep better?
• reduce tension and hyper vigilance?
• feel more peace?
• have better self-esteem?
• increase your  success in work situations?
• enjoy more positive relationships?
• reap the fruits of better self-care?

Learn to transform traumatic memories, relieving you of their burdens

They can intrude and skew our sense of situations dramatically, making it more difficult to relate with other people and ourselves. They can affect how we talk, work, love, act, and think. The impact and the benefits vary from person to person and each memory has different effects. Processing memories can benefit us in many ways such as fewer nightmares, sleeping better, reduced hypervigilance, more peace, better self-esteem, greater capability for success in work situations, more positive relationships, better self-care that comes more naturally, as well as greater hope and vitality. Processing changes the way we feel the memory through a discharging of emotions and sensations, replacing warped myths/beliefs with nourishing truths, and putting the event in its true perspective.

The difference between intrusive memories and “dwelling in the past”

Processing allows stuck pain to emerge and dissipate. Yet there is a common misconception that processing increases pain. However the truth is that we are exposing the pain that was already there, so we can heal the wounds. What feels like a crazy response to the present is actually a memory playing in the body. It’s not “dwelling in the past” to experience emotions, sensations and beliefs remembered from that time period, it’s simply that memory is not fully processed and resolved during traumatic situations so it can be reactivated and replayed over the years into the present.

Why traumatic memories are so much worse than normal memories

Memory is stored differently in our brain during trauma. Sometimes portions of the memory or even the entire memory can be dissociated (out of conscious awareness). Traumatic memory often carries a powerful, negative emotional charge, frightening images, body sensations (urges, scents, physical pain, remembered pressures, etc.), negative beliefs about self and life, words that were said and other auditory inputs. These need to be intentionally and skillfully processed. The presence of traumatic memories recycling repeatedly in our brains perpetuates emotional wounds. These are wounds that time does not heal. Often one traumatic incident may cause a number of traumatic memories to be stored, and each may need processing. Sometimes these associated traumatic memories need to be processed together to find the inevitable freedom.

What prepares us for healing transformation 

There are a number of key ingredients for doing the Processing Path safely and well – sufficient life stability, emotional resilience, being able to be gentle with one’s self, having learned processing skills and concepts, an ability to self-soothe, a support network, and feeling safe enough to do it. Other ingredients that can be very helpful are an ability to harmonize internally, a skilled trauma therapist who fits you well, a safe place to process at home, and a safety plan for difficult times. There are countless other things that people do to help them with processing. If one feels unready for this path, it can be helpful to do other paths and come back when ready. Processing memories safely usually requires skillful and careful help from others. Healing is easiest when one is centered, compassionate and curious regarding one’s self. Compassionately understanding the impacts of the traumatic memories helps wounded aspects of ourselves to open up for healing.

Ways of processing, and what NOT to do

There are a number of methods for processing traumatic memories, and there are new methods being developed all the time. There are many methods, including Internal Family Systems therapy, Brainspotting, EMDR, psychodrama, gestalt therapy, somatic experiencing, art therapy, and many others. We are all different and will find that different things work for us at different times. However, we should be cautious in which approaches we explore. There are many methods that can be more traumatizing than healing. It is a natural tendency to want to stir up feelings, or act them out. For example, forcing memory activation is usually counter-productive and often adds to one’s trauma burden. A sadly common counter-productive method is re-enacting victim situations. Even more tragic is perpetrating abuse on others. Practices should be chosen based on how they help us achieve more joy and less pain for ourselves and others. We find it most helpful to consult our inner wisdom and look for practices that adhere to the Vital Cycles Healing Principles.

An important part of processing traumatic memories is venting the emotional charge. Venting is a critical coping mechanism at other times as well. Venting techniques are like pressure escape valves that help temporarily to ease emotional pressure inside (e.g., anxiety, anger, fear, pain, guilt, and shame). We suggest that any way of venting is healthy as long as NO ONE gets hurt, including the one doing the venting. Some examples of healthy venting are beating a pillow with a hose, hitting a punching bag, hitting balls at a batting cage, writing letters that are not going to be sent, etc. It’s also very important that you are able to maintain the awareness that you are an adult and safe in the present despite the traumatic memories and feelings you are experiencing and venting.

There are many positive outcomes of processing

We find that our hope increases, we feel more joy, celebrate successes, feel lighter inside, more centered, more connected to ourselves, and build healing momentum. The example in the first paragraph demonstrated these outcomes.

For more information on the Processing Path see page 78 of the Healing Toolkit. Then click on Download a “Vital Cycles Healing Toolkit” for free.

Positive Reframing – guest blog by Teresa Vandergriff

Some years ago, I noticed that one of my friends took care to put a positive spin on things by changing “I’ve got to” to “I get to.” For example, “I’ve got to do my laundry – big hassle, takes time, I hate to iron, etc.” changes to: “I get to do my laundry-I own clothes that I like, I’m glad I chose washable things so that I’m not running to the dry cleaners every other day, etc.”

Gratitude came easily with that little change of words. At the time, I thought it was a nice idea, but I have since learned that changing my words to create gratitude is one of the best things I can do for my well-being. Those little changes keep me going forward. For me, a typical day brings up a long list of “got-to”: obligations to support my health, have a comfortable home; earn a paycheck, look presentable, take care of my family, spend time with friends, prepare for the next holiday or clean up after the last one, and so on and so forth. To get a handle on that list, I try to listen for the underlying “got-to” that I’m telling myself; often it’s not the list dragging me down, it’s the attitude: “I’ve got to deal with lots of stuff I don’t like, and I’m angry before I start!” That’s not only a negative approach, it’s a limited one; the glass is not only half-empty, it’s also half-full. I work on switching to “get-to” statements: “I get to choose my thoughts, attitudes, and actions; I am not stuck. I get to see-and use- my strengths and my resources to make today a great day.”

From that place of empowerment, I celebrate that half-full glass and the many blessings in my life. I hope we all “get to” see many blessings in our lives, today and always!

Maria Teresa Vandergriff is a Special Advisor to the Vital Cycles Board on grant writing. She is a professional grant writer and tireless advocate for women and children’s empowerment. 

 

Gratitude comes easily with a little change of words!

New Year = A New You!!!

I can’t believe another year has flown by. It’s going to be 2012 and I have to say being born in 1983 I’m beginning to feel old!

I hear people everywhere talking about their New Years resolution to “lose weight” “eat better”, “get more organized” or to “exercise”. These are all great goals but statistics have shown few people keep their New Years resolutions. For me I don’t  create New Years resolutions, instead I reflect on the last year and set goals for the coming year. My goals are based on what I hope to accomplish.

2010 was a particular rough year for me physically and emotionally. It took a toll on me and my depression got the best of me towards the end of that year. I was in the hospital last New Years Eve with a concussion and only hoped that 2011 would be a better year.

I had many goals for 2011. To get stronger both physically and emotionally. To find a therapist I could talk to, a support group, to be able to create distance from my family, to build a safety net of supportive friends, and to begin my Masters degree.

Some of these goals may seem small, however for me they were all challenges. I am afraid of being “judged”, afraid to trust, and afraid to let my guard down. Asking for “help” was something I have never been good at. But I knew in order to heal these were the beginning steps I needed to take.

Beginning my masters degree seemed to be the easiest of all my goals. Finding a good therapist I could trust took 9 months and a few attempts with other therapists. Finding a support group took time, but through multiple searches and not giving up I was able to find Vital Cycles (an amazing support group, that focuses on healing).

Letting my guard down, building a support network, and being open with friends has been one of the biggest challenges I have worked on this past year. I now have friends that I can truly be myself with. I can share about my happiest highs and deepest lows. This has helped my healing, and self-esteem grow tremendously.

As I look back at this year it has not always been easy. However I have seen my healing take dramatic leaps forward.  I have taken challenges that I wouldn’t have taken a few years ago. I have set clear boundaries with people that negatively impact me. I am beginning to create balance in my life. I have put myself and my healing as my first priority.

In 2012 I will continue to grow and heal. I will continue with my masters degree, and also assist with growing Vital Cycles. I need to maintain my boundaries with my family, surround myself with positive people, and work on what I can change and accept the things I can’t. I hope to return to working full time,when I’m able.

Each day I heal, I become stronger and happier.

Happy New Year Everyone 🙂

Kerry

 

Find out more about Vital Cycles and a group near you!

Looking at the Glass Half Full!

Sometimes in life all we can do is hope for the best and have a little faith that things will turn out okay. Its so easy at times to get wrapped up in the “what ifs” or what may happen. The truth is no one can predict the future and as hard as that is, we should try to enjoy the day for what it is, and deal with whatever happens as it comes. I have spent so much time in my life worrying about all the things that “MAY” happen, that I ultimately wasn’t allowing myself to enjoy the positive things that were happening. The last few months I have kept a conscious goal to not allow “the what if’s” to consume me. An individual’s mind is very powerful and can find a downside to almost any situation, however every situation also has a positive side that can be looked at. An example of this is that the other day I saw my primary care physician, she told me it was necessary to see my cardiologist. At the age of 28 with a heart condition It is very easy to get down and frustrated. I could hear the “what if’s” begin in my head (what if I need another procedure will I be okay etc?)

I have begun to realize that as much as a situation can frustrate me, there’s going to be times that there’s nothing I can do to “fix it”. I unfortunately can’t make my heart cooperate.  It doesn’t matter how much I worry or think about it. In fact worrying and adding more stress on my body probably doesn’t help the situation.

Through acceptance and seeking out the positives in a situation, I find myself to be more relaxed. I feel that seeing the positive in situations allows for me to be more optimistic about my health, my life, and who I am as a person. Not allowing the “what if’s” to consume me, not only allows me to think more positively, it allows me to live in the moment, enjoy each day, and even allow time for some FUN!

To learn more about how Vital Cycles talks about positivity check out the Affirming Healing Path on page 67, and the Focus Healing Principle on page 11.

An Inspirational Thought for the Day!

“The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.

—  Richard David Bach   This is a quote I found that speaks to so many.

Feeling like a grinch when people tell you to be merry

Grinch that Christmas

Acceptance: We honor all emotions and memories.

This healing principle can be especially important during the holiday season. If you’re like me, sometimes everyone around me seems to be saying that I should be “merry”, “it’s the happiest time of the year”, etc., and yet I feel like saying “bah humbug! it’s the hardest time of the year”.  I used to just want to avoid the whole darn thing. I never thought of mixing family and Christmas was a present for me.

To be honest, I still don’t mix the two. Now I spend time with “family of choice”. Dear friends who give me the space to feel whatever “coal in the socking” feelings I many be feeling at the moment. I choose now to spend time with those folks who are fun, relaxed and don’t make me want to run screaming from the house.

I now create my own holiday that works for me.

Here’s a toast to living having a truly merry holiday!

Bob Faw

Make the holidays happy

December is here and the hustle and bustle of the holidays are in full swing. Lights are being hung, holiday music is being played, family and friends are gathering, and gifts are being bought. Some people look forward to this time of year, while others either feel like a holiday “Grinch” or simply look forward to the holidays being over. If you love the holidays, despise them, or are in between you’re not alone. In fact for many people this time of year is quite painful.

For myself I feel holidays tend to highlight the importance of family and being together. In my own life, family doesn’t equal being loved, accepted, and supported. It has equaled being abused, feeling rejected, and living with a hole in my heart. It’s why this time of year can be so difficult not only for myself, but also for others that have experienced trauma. Memories can surface, and the feelings of sadness, anger, rejection, and hurt can easily be triggered.

Family can be one of the biggest triggers for many that are healing from trauma, thus it is why it’s important to remember to take care of yourself! You are the one that knows yourself best, and knows what works for you. For myself I journal, I enjoy doing art, and love to cook. My cat Chloe can always put a smile on my face and spending time with friends keeps me feeling upbeat.

There have been many things I’ve learned about myself over the last year; however the greatest of all has been the need to DISTANCE myself from my family. In order to heal, be happy, and reach my goals, I can’t put myself in a situation that is constantly re-traumatizing, no matter how much I love them. Distancing myself has not been easy, (especially during the holidays). Who doesn’t want to feel loved by their own mother? These feelings I believe are completely normal for anyone to have. The difference this year is that I’m beginning to accept that as much as I may want my family’s love and acceptance, the reality of me getting it, is slim to none. By beginning to accept this, I have opened myself up to creating my own “family”, the family I’ve always wanted. My “family” which I’ve created for myself is made up of friends. It’s full of love, support, and unconditional acceptance. It’s filled with hugs, laughter, and quality time together. It’s about cherishing one another for who they are and being thankful for what you have. Family I’ve learned is what you make it. For me my family no longer needs to be defined by “blood relatives”. I’ve created my family with the people who love me for who I am. This Christmas will be in some ways very sad for me, but in other ways very special. I will have a holiday that is full of friends that I love and am thankful for. For the first time in 28 years I won’t feel the need to “pretend” or be “on guard”. For the first time I will have a holiday that is actually about spending time with loved ones and having a good time which is something very important to me.

I hope by sharing a piece of myself will help someone this holiday season. This time of year is not easy for many of us. Beginning new traditions and breaking out of old patterns takes time and being gentle with ourselves. I personally love volunteering and get a sense of fulfillment by helping others. One holiday season a few friends and I went and sang Christmas carols at a children’s hospital and handed out teddy bears. Another year I visited an animal shelter and donated my old towels and played with the animals. Whatever helps you during this time of year DO IT! Bake those chocolate chip cookies, or take a warm bubble bath. Take a hike through the woods. Reach out to a friend or loved one and remember you are not alone this holiday season. Come to a Vital Cycles meeting, share with others how you’re doing as well as what helps you this time of year.

make these the best holidays you’ve ever had,

Kerry Humes

Vital Cycles Blog October 2011

“Empowerment:

We shape our own healing process choosing what best serves us.”

 

            In this Vital Cycles healing principle it states, “As we build self-awareness, we discover there are many ways we can begin to meet our needs. It’s vital we become expert in discovering what works for us and adapting it to fit. After all, we are the only ones who can truly know what is best working for us.”

The key word in this quote is “adapting”. There are waxes and wanes, in what one is drawn to at any given time in one’s life to assist one’s growth and recovery.

We are where we are. Where we are today, may or may not differ from yesterday or tomorrow.

As we learn and grow we meet supportive people on the same path. Some have healing methods which may be new to us, while others may be familiar; and therefore, more “comfortable” or secure feeling.

The literature on this principle also encourages the use of one’s own intuition to be one’s guide to decide which methods to embrace, and which to put aside (perhaps for another day and time).

Part of “choosing what best serves us” is acknowledging, what no longer serves us; even if it did sometime in the past.

Being a support to others on the road of recovery sometimes requires honoring another person’s exploration of a method which we might consider a part of our personal “past”.  If and when we are able to do so; we honor our own healing journey as well.

The literature also states, ‘The better we shape our healing process the more empowered we are. The more empowered we are the better we can shape our healing process.” The key to shaping or forming the healing process is found in the choices we make.

It is through our choices, and recognition of our ability to make decisions, which empowers us.

May we all be empowered to strive towards healing and thriving!

Heather Hood

Welcome to the Vital Cycles blog!

If you want emotional healing that also brings more joy in your life, you belong with us.

We’re excited to continuously improve our programs and materials to include the latest research from Positive Psychology, Solution Focus Therapy, Internal Family Systems, cutting-edge brain science, etc. There are constantly new discoveries, ideas and tools emerging to help us heal more easily, quickly and smoothly.

Many people find great help in peer support environments. Come join (or start) a support group, or healing retreat, and find out if it will be a good fit for you.

Regardless of what healing paths you choose, we wish you the best on your healing journey.

The Vital Cycles Board of Directors and volunteers.