Light To Dark – healing journey

(Note: A member of Vital Cycles offers this hopeful and compelling writing to the healing community at large. This member was quick to point out that despite the first line, healing has indeed removed a vast majority of the pain that used to seem a permanent part of life.)




My pain is something you can’t take away from me


Joy was snatched away

Pleasure was contaminated

Security was destroyed

Self-love was mangled

Love was withheld or too costly

Identity was scrambled

      laden with tumultuous trauma

      imprinted with others’ shame, hatred and perversity

Childhood itself was desecrated, torn and in shambles


      What was I left with?

      What could I call my own?

      Who was I now?


Only my pain

      my seemingly unending sadness

      my self-loathing


Ha! Underneath the damage and destruction

      throughout the hell

      trauma and upheaval

            something lived

A small white light flickered

      awaiting the day

      awaiting the moment it was declared safe

            to emerge unshielded


By this time there were many layers

      deep, dark, and thick

      sticky, bloody

      overlapping and covering the light


      Walls had been built

      Traps had been set

      Mazes created

To protect that flame

      of pure self-love

      of oneness

      of wholeness


Somehow a belief emerges

I am

      more than my perceptions

      more than what my feelings tell me

      more than the immensity of garbage and vile refuse

            piled deep within

That, for some reason

      I deserve to be happy

      I deserve to find peace

      I deserve to heal

            to fling off the self-loathing beliefs

            to peel back the layers of garbage

            to air out the rancid and reeking areas within


I could change


I could emerge

      as a sleeping giant of light

      shaking off sleep

      pondering the horrific nightmares that still linger in my mind

      Wondering which is reality

            the beauty and light I remember before I slept

            or the scathing hell that made all seem darker, smaller, meaner

                        and dripping with the slime of shame.


My perception slips with the ease of years of routinized habit

      and all appears grimy again, weighty, arduous


I stand again

A foot in each land

The perception I adopt depending on the direction I turn my head

Both realities real enough

‘though I see the darkened world as illusory

      there is need to move in it

      essential changes are only possible by operating within its parameters

      using its rules and limitations

The dark world offers resistance

      precipitating agonizing movements

      which develop power

      incredible strength





The light world has no stimulus

      no arena

      for that kind of growth

Until I am strong enough, clear enough

      the dark world will draw me in

      pull me downwards

      imbue itself in my body

      necessitating increasing strength and clarity

      to move forward

            where my love

            my light

            leads me


I am led

To where I don’t know

Except, that once there

      I will move more powerfully and freely than ever I could have known

I will continue to seek pockets of darkness

      so small to my perception

I will move within them

      adopting the reality of their illusions

      in order to attain the growth

      which can be developed from within them


These bits of darkness

      they float suspended

      within the sustaining, golden, ethereal light

From afar they appear as sparkles

      adding diversity and beauty to the ether


After sufficient growth

This giant, of which I am

      will burst out of the ether

      discovering it is a clear giant awakening

      in a light world so bright and so clear

      emerging out of a world so gold and dingy

In this brighter world

      the light so bright as to barely be in a visible spectrum

      there are sparkles of gold

      pockets for the newly awakened giant to merge into and find growth



      I do not know

Process only

      do I know

And only by intuiting

      with senses not for this dark world



All is good

      yet, is it bad?

It is better

      or worse?


      or after?

Which way one turns

      and which world one is in

      defines the judgment










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